So there’s something about blogging from a minority position where, if you don’t manage it right, you end up trying to do too much, putting too much pressure on it, and not actually writing anything. Which you may have already noticed looks an awful lot like why I’ve not actually written anything since April.
The pressure to represent, to put out good information about Your People, to write the next huge hit in autism blogging is enormous. Add to that a huge inferiority complex, the residual need to excel be that gifted and talented child (that you’ve actually not been for about a decade anyway), and a global pandemic that stole all my mental (and at times physical) energy, and I suppose a 3 1/2 month break from writing doesn’t look so ridiculous after all.
I’ve spent most of that time thinking I can’t write. Or that I don’t have anything important enough to write about. That you can’t just stream-of-consciousness your way to building a blog that’s literally about your own experience. That writing a blog is only valid if you can provide some massive insight that no one else has provided yet. Despite the fact that no one has written a book about my experiences yet so there is already some uniqueness literally built into the system.
My blogging notebook has ideas on grand series I was gonna do, lists of sources I was going to use, Important Ideas I was going to put my two cents in on, current issues that Urgently Needed My Voice (spoiler: they didn’t). I’d still like to write some of those things, and hopefully I will, though with perhaps a little more care than my list-making shows. But for the moment, what I actually want to do is write about my thoughts, my experiences, and act on the random afternoons where I’ve thought “I could blog about this” before the brainweasels took over and decided that what I wanted to write about wasn’t valid. On my own website. That I built for writing my stuff. Yes, I hear how that sounds.
The amusing thing about all this is that I wouldn’t let anyone else do themselves down in this way. I have given strangers on the internet more validation in a single comment than I’ve found for myself in 5+ years of attempting to blog. This is a double standard that won’t be news to a lot of other autistic people, and/or those who’ve had fun with their mental health, but somehow I am still constantly surprised by the level of dickhead my brain is willing and capable of being. It would be impressive if it also wasn’t a pain in the arse. The worst thing is I suspect that most folk reading this will have had no idea what I thought they were expecting from me. If I think about it, there probably aren’t many expectations at all, and in fact, there is evidence that no one (except me) has had a significant problem with what I’ve written so far anyway.
So, let’s try this again. Let’s try walking before we run, stop taking myself so damned seriously, understand that my tiny wee blog in a miniscule corner of the internet is unlikely to move mountains, and actually bloody write something. More than 3 posts a year would be a great start. I’ve no idea what the next one will be, but at least this counts as one of them.